Haruhi's SuperFun OneShot Grab Bag!
by einootspork
Summary: A series of short stories about Haruhi and her "pals" intentionally varied in style and subject matter.
1. The Meaning of It All

_So here's the deal with this: I'm not really that good with ongoing plots. The frequency and weirdness of my ideas coupled with my crappy writing ethic makes me more comfortable with short stories. This fic is basically me coming up with a bunch of short stories, mostly of no consequence, that are intentionally varied in subject matter, style, and central characters. That way I can, for lack of a better word, attack this whole Haruhi thing from different angles. Also it's just a fun little idea. For instance, some people will complain when an album is inconsistent, but I like it when an album is all over the place. That's essentially the same sort of thing that you've got here._

_Oh yeah, also: __**I don't own Haruhi or any of the characters, concepts, etc.**_

_--_

**THE MEANING OF IT ALL**

It was abnormally quiet in the clubroom – probably because Haruhi wasn't in it.

I didn't know for sure, but I assumed that she was off doing things that were immoral and/or illegal and would any minute burst into the room with a barely-thought-out scheme related to said acts and demand we all take part in it. It had happened with a depressing consistency in the past. I was dreading her arrival, but I had to admit I was also enjoying the quiet. Still, I wondered what the point was of all these adventures.

I wish I understood Haruhi. Not that it would change anything if I did; it's just that it would be nice to know what the hell is going through her head whenever she did something particularly infuriating. Unfortunately, Haruhi is the sort of person who doesn't seem to have a reason for _anything_ she does. No one really understands her.

Asahina-san certainly didn't understand Haruhi, if such a thing was to be judged by the way she behaved: She was consistently startled and apparently baffled by the capricious Haruhi's random abuse. Right now, though, Asahina-san looked content – and, if I may, very lovely – scurrying about and performing various maid activities. She seems to have really gotten into her role. Probably her good mood would be ruined when Haruhi burst through the door. But it's best not to think about that right now.

Koizumi, on the other hand, claims to understand Haruhi, and I have to admit he has an irritating record of being right. Then again, there are lots of things it seems as though he doesn't understand, such as consideration of other people's feelings, the very concept of sincerity, and how not to be such a complete git. At least I have some class, unlike this suck-up. Look at him, playing solitaire with that stupid smile on his face. He was losing, of course – but he deserved it.

But there are quite a lot of things that I don't understand either. I barely understand anything I'm taught in school; I really don't understand any of the bullshit that pops out of Koizumi's mouth; and I definitely don't understand in the slightest why out of all the people she could bother, Haruhi always has to bother me. Sometimes it feels like I don't understand anything. I'm pretty sure everyone has that feeling.

Except maybe Nagato. There she was, in the corner of the room she always occupied, reading yet another foreign science fiction book that I probably couldn't comprehend even if it was in Japanese, not even paying the slightest bit of attention to anything else besides it. Often during class I wish I had her concentration, but all that wishing does is distract me even more.

I wondered what her take on Haruhi was. Not the stuff about "potential evolutionary possibility" or whatever she had said, but what she thought of Haruhi as a person. Does Nagato even think that way about people? Maybe. It was hard to tell. But as I thought more about it, I wondered less about her opinion on Haruhi and more about what her opinion was regarding life. I wondered if she had an answer, something that I might've missed, about what makes life worthwhile. If I asked Asahina-san, she'd probably say that either she didn't know or that it was classified information, and if I asked Koizumi, he'd probably just spew out about six paragraphs without actually saying a damn thing. But Nagato might have an answer, however incomprehensible it might be to an ordinary person like myself.

I got up and walked quietly to where Nagato was sitting. Koizumi gave me a weird look – he still had a smile on that cursed face of his, but he furrowed his brow slightly. I must have given him an equally weird look back, because then he started to snicker. Asshole.

"Er..." I began, turning away from Koizumi and facing the one I was questioning. "Nagato..."

Nagato looked up from her book. "What is it?"

"Nothing, I was just... I mean... well... I guess it isn't nothing."

Nagato didn't say anything; she just gave me a piercing stare. That bastard Koizumi let out a chuckle from out of sight. I swear I'm going to kick his ass someday.

"It's just..." I continued. "There was something I wanted to ask you."

"I see." Nagato said. Dammit, don't look at me like that! It makes me feel uncomfortable.

"I was just wondering what you thought..." I stopped. This question sounded a lot more stupid out loud. "...I was just wondering what you thought the purpose of life was."

Nagato gave me another look, one even more intent than before. I feel really stupid. She's not going to answer such a dumb question. Then she said something quietly: "It is of the opinion of the Integrated Data Sentient Entity that the main purpose of existence is to collect as much knowledge as can be obtained."

Of course that's what she'd say. How did I not think of it? It almost sounded like something she had memorized and was now reciting. I had expected her to turn back to her book, but instead she continued looking at me, as if to ask me if that was sufficient. I wasn't sure, though, if it was. I didn't know what was wrong, but it seemed as if something was missing...

Of course – she hadn't said anything about her. She had only mentioned the Integral Data Whatever Thingy.

"OK," I said, "But what about you?"

"I don't quite understand what you are insinuating," Nagato said.

"Well, I mean, personally, what do you think the meaning of life is?" Man, I sound stupid. I'm really starting to wish I hadn't bothered to start this conversation...

"My opinion is in accordance with that of the Integrated Data Sentient Entity." Nagato returned to her book.

Well, I can't say I was surprised. Me, I frankly didn't find this idea of collecting knowledge too appetizing. Personally, on a cold winter day I'd much rather play video games or listen to music or read by a fire than study. I'd rather do something other than studying most days, really. Plus, there was something frustrating about knowing there was no end to it. There was always more stuff I had to learn.

"I dunno," I said lamely. I knew I probably shouldn't bring it up, since Nagato might think I was being disrespectful or something, but for some reason I felt I had to. "Doesn't all the stuff you still don't know bother you?"

Nagato looked up at me again for the longest time yet. Just when I thought she wasn't going to say anything at all, she replied, "It didn't... Until you mentioned it."

Er...

Well...

There's not much to say to that.

Suddenly, Haruhi burst into the room, panting and carrying a microphone that looked as if it had been yanked forcefully out of the wall, and bellowed, "THEME SONGS!!"

What?

"In this day and age, it has to be theme songs!"

Oh boy.

_--_

_"And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,_

_'Cause there's bugger all down here on earth."_

-_The Galaxy Song_ from _Monty Python's The Meaning of Life_


	2. Merry Go Round

**MERRY-GO-ROUND**

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

_WHAM!_

**BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!**

_WHAM! WHAM!_

_**BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!**_

Same old alarm clock.

_7:30._

Same old time.

_**BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!**_

Haruhi sat up in bed and pulled the plug on the alarm clock. The buzzing stopped and the numbers went out.

Same old morning.

Haruhi turned herself around and sat on the ledge of the bed. She continued to sit for quite a while.

Today was a school day. Just like every other weekday. Haruhi stood up.

It was time to change into her school uniform. It was the same school uniform that she had worn the day before yesterday. It was the same school uniform she would be wearing until summer, when it would change into another school uniform that she would have to wear until it was winter again.

Haruhi did not want to go to school. She never did.

Haruhi changed into her school uniform and sat down on the bed again. She sat there for a long time, then got up again and changed into her summer uniform. She admired herself in the mirror for a while then sighed and changed back into her winter one.

Haruhi walked into the bathroom. After using the facilities, Haruhi examined her hair in the mirror. It looked like the pillow had attacked her head. She started walking out of the bathroom again anyway but then changed her mind and brushed her hair. She examined it carefully for a while then messed it up again. Then she compromised by brushing her hair on one side.

She discarded the brush in disgust and moved on.

She walked out into the dining room. Breakfast was on the table. Her father was reading the newspaper and eating. Haruhi sat down and almost started to eat with him.

"Breakfast again," she said.

"You're not skipping it," her father told her. "You're a growing girl. You're already in junior high now."

"I don't want to _skip_ it. But I always have breakfast in the morning. Why couldn't we have lunch or dinner in the morning instead?"

"You can't have lunch at breakfast," said her father. "Whatever you eat in the morning is breakfast."

"Well, who made that stupid rule up?"

"No one made it up; that's just how things are."

Haruhi sighed and ate her breakfast. She tried not to think about the day ahead of her.

Soon she was finished with her breakfast, which was the same one she had yesterday, and then brushed her teeth and put on her shoes and got her stuff ready and left the house.

Outside, it was overcast, as it had been for the past week. Haruhi stood still for a while, then kicked some rocks on the sidewalk and trekked toward her school.

She decided that after school she'd buy some ribbons to put in her hair.


	3. A Day in the Life of Taniguchi, Part 1

**A DAY IN THE LIFE OF TANIGUCHI (PART ONE)**

Hey, guys! Bet you weren't expecting me, were you? Yeah, I totally just sneaked right by you. I caught you off your guard. It's nothing, really. I can't help that I've got a little ninja in me. I'm definitely proficient in the fighting arts. You should see me during PE. I'm a machine, man. I'm like _wham!,_ yeah, it's pretty sweet, dude.

Anyway, so this morning I woke up feeling pumped up. I was like "Hell yeah man I can do anything!" But I needed to get my rest, so I hit the snooze button. Then the alarm went off again, but I didn't get up. I needed to gather my thoughts. But then my stupid mom came in and gave me a wake-up call in her usual dulcet tones. So then I got up and went to the bathroom. After taking care of some important private business, I used the toilet and then took a shower. My little sister always says she can hear me singing badly from the shower and it wakes her up, but that's total bullshit. I don't sing in the shower, and besides, I have a good voice. I swear, sometimes I think she could power a small city with her whining.

So then I was finished and I dried off. I admired myself in the mirror for a while. Damn, I look _good._ It's pretty amazing how good-looking I am. It might surprise you to know that I don't even gel my hair or anything. It's just naturally like that. I barely even wash it.

After doing that for a while, I went and got dressed in my uniform, then went out to the dining room for breakfast. There was my mother, who was all uptight and busy with mom work. Dad was sitting at the table pretending to read the newspaper. And there was my dumb little sister eating _my_ Choco-Fruit Bombs cereal. I keep telling her not to touch the stuff, but you know little kids. They can't get enough of the sugary shit.

"Hey, Little Miss Whiny," I said – That's that I call her sometimes, Little Miss Whiny– I said, "You're eating my cereal again." I went to go get one of those stupid granola health bars mom buys. I hate the stuff, but I didn't have time to make my own breakfast.

Little Miss Whiny chewed her cereal all dainty-like and shit, then swallowed and said, "It's not _your_ cereal. Mommy's the one who bought it!" She pouted. It makes her look ridiculous. Damn, I'm glad she's not old enough to ever be going to high school at the same time as me. "And Daddy said that I can eat it if I want to."

"You shouldn't eat that stuff," I said. I munched on the bar. "It's not good for you. And it's seriously abnormal for you to eat that stuff anyway. Who eats cereal in Japan?"

The precocious little whine factory ignored me and kept on eating my food.

"Fine, whatever," I sighed, "I'm gonna get going. I should've left ten minutes ago anyway."

I got all my school shit together and started on my way to school. I'm late to school a lot, but it's not really important. It's all a bunch of shit I won't need anyway. They're trying to turn me into some kinda worker bee or something. Goddamn, did this society go to crap while I wasn't looking?

Anyway, my friend Kyon showed up pretty soon. If you don't know him, Kyon is this completely boring kid who's in some kind of twisted "Brigade" with the school's craziest bitch, Suzumiya Haruhi. I'm pretty sure they're lovers, although if you asked him he'd deny it. He's probably embarrassed by her. Anyway, he looked kinda like he was in a bad mood. More than usual, I mean. Damn, he's depressing.

I decided I might try to cheer him up with my conversational skill:

"Hey Kyon, what's got your panties in a bunch? Is it that Suzumiya again?"

"Yeah," he grunted.

"What is it?" I asked. "Do you not know what to get her for her birthday or something?"

"Stop it, Taniguchi. Haruhi and I are seriously not going out!" Kyon snapped. Clearly I hit a nerve there. Sometimes he's a little pathetic. It's sad to see someone in so much denial. "It's just..." he began, but then stopped himself. "Ah, it's not that interesting."

Like hell it wasn't. If it involves that Suzumiya there's no way it's boring. Probably it was really screwed up too. Whatever though, he obviously didn't want to work out his girl issues with me, so I left him alone. I'm always a tactful guy.

Kyon walked faster; I'm guessing he was ticked at me. That guy always takes things too seriously. He needs to take a joke once in a while. Me, I lagged behind. I prefer to take things at my own pace. I kept on walking, and just as I was about to go through the school doors, the bell rang.

"Shit!" I floored it.

Okabe-sensei marked me late when I finally got there – I didn't deserve it, of course. He couldn't have known how everybody had held me up. He wouldn't care if I tried to explain it to him anyway. I used to give excuses to the guy, but eventually I figured out I was actually probably in better shape if I shut up.

I sat in my seat behind the girl in front of me. I can never remember her name, but why bother? She's only a B-minus by my scale, and that's being generous.

I guess I should explain. See, I have this system for classifying the girls that go to this high school. It's pretty much the same as school grades. Theoretically, the lowest mark you can get is an F, but that doesn't get any real action. Most of the girls are about around a C, which is obviously what you'd expect, since that's average. There are also a pretty fair amount of B-levels. That's about the level of a girl I could probably get if I just went out and tried to get one right now. There are a few D's, which are to be avoided almost at all costs, but there are actually more A's in this school. This is rare, since most of the time there just aren't that many quality girls at a high school, but North High has a surprisingly good percentage of them. I'd say they comprise about ten percent of the girls here, which is a great batting average, especially for the kind of school it is. I've memorized all their names, especially the coveted A-pluses. Ryoko Asakura used to be the top girl in the school, with an A-double-plus, but then she had to move to Canada. It was a real shame.

All right, this is about where it stops being interesting for a while. I just did a bunch of school shit. You know how that is.

Eventually it was lunchtime. I got out the lunch that my mom made me and started to eat it. She always makes the best lunch in the world. I don't think anyone could make it better. Lately I think she's been dropping some subtle hints that she wants me to make it myself, though.

"Hey," said Kunikida, walking over to me, "Why do your chopsticks have 'MAKE YOUR OWN LUNCH' written on them?"

"Oh, they're a new brand of chopsticks," I lied deftly. "They're all the rage this year."

"Of course." Kunikida chuckled and sat down next to me.

This Kunikida kid is my main man. We're always hanging together, whatever the situation. It's funny, 'cuz he practically worships the ground I walk on. He wouldn't leave me alone if I wanted him to – not that I would. He helps me with my homework.

"So, what's up?" I asked.

"Nothing much," said Kunikida. "You?"

"Same." I slurped on some noodles. "I still think Kyon and that Suzumiya are together, no matter what they say."

"Yeah, maybe," said Kunikida, with a funny expression on his face. He gets it whenever he's thinking.

"That so-called Brigade is real suspicious if you ask me," I said with conviction.

"I guess." It looked like Kunikida was seriously spacing out now. He gets like that. He was probably thinking about his mom or something.

_

* * *

_

_Sorry this took so long, guys. I'm an awful, awful procrastinator. This would have taken even longer, but I decided I might as well split it up into two parts, making it more of a two-shot than a one-shot, but I'm willing to sacrifice a bit of ideological purity in my fanfiction to actually get some content up for a change. Expect part two to be up as soon as I figure out what the actual PLOT of this will be. I might put some other story in between the two chapters, though. I mean, that's sort of like what the anime did, right? Anyway yeah._

_R&R would be greatly appreciated._


	4. Taniguchi – Leftovers

**A DAY IN THE LIFE OF TANIGUCHI (PART 1.2)**

So, before we continue with our story, I guess I should explain this Brigade thing more. Or at least, as much as I know about it. There's not really much anybody knows about it. Whether this is because it's actually being kept secret or just because everyone wants to stay as far away from that Suzumiya as possible I don't know. All I really can tell you about is the members.

You've already met Kyon, and Suzumiya is pretty much impossible to classify, but there are three other members of the brigade I do know a little bit about: Asahina Mikuru, Nagato Yuki, and Koizumi Itsuki.

Asahina-san is probably the top-rated girl at the school now that Ryoko's left. Her looks are something else for _sure,_ plus, she's also the sweetest girl you'll probably ever meet. She has a huge-ass fanclub who would probably chase you out of town with pitchforks and crap if you so much as looked at her funny. I have no idea why she's in this fuckin' club thing; maybe Suzumiya blackmailed her or some shit.

Nagato-san is... weird... to say the least. Not bad weird, but I mean... I dunno. She always has this blank look on her face, and before the Brigade, she just sat in the Literature Club and read all the time. I bet that now that she's in that stupid Brigade, she still just sits and reads all the time. Weird. She's pretty damn cute, though. I'd rate her an A-minus, and she also has a fanclub. It's not nearly as large or devoted as Asahina-san's though. Not to mention they're much less obvious – I mean, as you can probably guess, her fans are all the otaku type, so they stay out of the way most of the time.

Koizumi-san I don't know much about, but I'm a little unsure as to which way his scales tip, if you get what I'm saying.

-----------

_And that's where my ideas ground to a halt. I just couldn't, as hard as I tried, think of a plot. I'll most likely never finish this story, but I figured you should at least get a small taste of what this could have become for your trouble. And plus I like the easy joke at the end._

_So there you are._


	5. Predicting the Past

**PREDICTING THE PAST**

Mikuru Asahina had always known she was not Kyon's favorite.

Sure, he was nice to her, and he seemed to enjoy her tea, and it didn't fail to come to Mikuru's attention that he quite enjoyed looking at her, but that was about the extent of it. Koizumi was the one he talked to; Nagato was the one he worried about; Haruhi was... well, _Haruhi._

And "Asahina-san"? She wasn't really anything to Kyon. Or, at least, he cared about her less than he did the others. At least, that's what Mikuru had seen.

Although it probably wasn't the only reason, Mikuru couldn't help blaming herself for giving him that order... er, having given... will have been giving... Oh, it was so confusing! She knew she had given that order in the past, in Kyon's past, but she hadn't actually given him the order herself yet... Or at least, she didn't think she had. In any case, she had warned him not to get too close to her – and he had followed the instruction all too well. She knew it was ridiculous blaming yourself for something you hadn't even done yet, and she knew it was necessary to prevent Suzumiya from remaking the world, but...

Mikuru sighed and shuffled the papers on her desk.

_It doesn't matter now anyway,_ she told herself firmly.

And it was true; Kyon was long gone.

Mikuru knew this.

It was part of why she regretted... er, would regret... will have regretted... her advice. She would probably never see Kyon-kun again.

Except, well, she would. Because she had to give the advice soon, right? And what was the other thing she had to say? "Snow white"? What did that... Well, she knew what it meant. It had happened. It meant the kiss.

That stupid kiss!

She had resented Kyon and Haruhi before, and she resented them now. She wanted them to be happy together (which they would say they weren't, but she knew better), but still. If it wasn't for all this time travel nonsense, she would have been able to... She didn't know, exactly. Date him? Hug him? Kiss him? Tell him how much he meant to her? She just didn't know. How much _did_ he mean to her? She thought the answer was probably a lot, but was it? Did she really have feelings for him at all? Was it okay to still have those even though she was now much older than he was at the time... and that he was now dead in her future?

What did happen to him, anyway? Did he go on to become successful? Or did he fade into oblivion? Did he marry eventually? Was it to Haruhi? Or was it someone else? Some other girl, perhaps? She couldn't imagine that. She had always been jealous of Haruhi, but there was no arguing that... well, she was _Haruhi._ Other girls just didn't stand a chance for Kyon. Or did he just stay a bachelor? That was more likely. He didn't seem the type to get attached to a girl. Although he had gotten attached, hadn't he? Gotten attached to the whole Brigade, in fact. Until graduation had pulled them all apart again, there was no doubt in her mind that they had been inseperable.

So difficult, it all was. Predicting the past... What nonsense!

Mikuru took a sip from her straw, drowning her sorrows in soda pop. She usually added extra sweetener to it herself from her collection of restaurant-issue fake sugar. She had always had a sweet tooth; she figured it would one day be her downfall, but... it was so good!!

The sweet taste cheered her up, but it didn't quite erase the bitterness in her heart... or the pain in her head. Time travel was her business, but it still gave her headaches. Especially with verb tenses.

Sighing quietly to herself again, she shuffled the papers around a bit more before finally getting everything organized into a manila folder. She paused for a moment, then wrote the following onto the cover in her cute handwriting with a pink Sharpie:

**"THREE YEARS AGO" OPERATION PROPOSAL #1**

And in smaller letters just below:

**Classified information!  
**

And knowing full well that she regretted it... er... would regret it... will have regretted it, she watched her briefing video and then got on the hover-train headed to the former location of North High to prove to Kyon all those years ago that her time-traveling powers were not, in fact, self-proclaimed.

_Snow White, _thought Mikuru treasonously as she put on the mask to access her VR-computer, _my ass._

–––––––––––

_I'm not sure what this is. I just had a sudden stroke of inspiration _while trying to sleep_ and wrote down the beginnings of this idea in my notebook I keep beside my bed. I wish I could get to sleep easier, but since my best ideas inevitably are had while I'm trying to, I'm not in the position to complain._

_I know the last line isn't totally in character, but by God I knew that had to be the capper. And hey, _everyone_ has a cranky side, even our little paragon of sweetness and light._


	6. Haruhi: Something She's Not

To act? How vulgar; how crass. And yet it is what she does each day – plays make-believe at being something she's not.

The boundless energy she apparently possesses? Honest, but undeniably exaggerated. Her molestation of the time-traveler? Completely for show (mostly).

But it's not just those simple things; it's also the whole persona she has created. Her entire ethos is a lie, a self-delusion.

It's better that way, though – better to create one's own character without borrowing another's soul than imitation, copying mannerisms and attitudes of the masses to suit one's own needs. After all, what self-respecting person would do that?


End file.
